By The Way. . .

Right now on ESPN's DraftCast. . . Greg Kinnear and Mark Wahlberg are chatting!!!

Greggy announces that he's a Ponies/Bears/Rams fan. . . while Marky Mark drops his Calvins to reveal the blockbuster information that Vince Young is the best player in the draft.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF DONNIE WAHLBERG

Poison Control

Ahh. .. Gent's Poison. . . I can taste it now.

This is as little of a 1st round that i've ever watched. right now, i'm in the Defilement Bunker. . . knee-deep in The Cellar. . . watching this fucker on ESPN's DraftCast, which is the lamest piece of shit this side of Matt Leinart (a guaranteed weiner as a pro).

Besides the ridiculous Whitner (only because he was drafted so high) and Leinart picks, I'd like to tip my hat to the NFC Central "Bums Who Have Left Us". . . this is the GENT equivalent of the "Dead Actors" at the Oscars.

That's right, a tip of my wicker hat to Mike Tice and Mike Sherman. . . two glorified boners who made recent drafts so memorable for Bears fans. Ahmad Carrol? (sighs). . . Troy Williamson? (tears in eyes). . . that's good stuff. . . solid memories of grilling burgers with Coach Ford and drinking High Life on the Spiral Stairs.

Good thing Matt Millen picked up a multi-concussed, undersized LB in the Top 10 (to be fair, I reported back to David in January that I thought Ernie was the guy for the Bears to pick up. . . but since Millen did it, you can be sure Ol' Ern's head is going to explode sometime around week 13). . .

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Fresh off the road. . . through a driving rainstorm from Des Moines, then called into work. . . a call I've ignored so far today.

I'd like to report I jumped in the shower as the Bills were on the clock. . . 7 minutes. . . What was I thinking? Dick Jauron and a senile Marv Leavy calling the shots for a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE team?. . .

DONTE WHITNER? SAFETY?. . .

Like tight ends and guards, safeties should NEVER be picked above #20 or so. . . definitely not Top 10 money. . .

I'm trying to think of a Ngata joke. . .

These Dogs Will Hunt

Needless to say, the NFL picks are coming slowly this year. This is what happens, Larry, when your wingman grows a moustache, wears yellow, and taunts you about being sexually inactive all summer. The Gent Shittrain rolls along fast, trying in vain to catch Coach Ford's Fagmobile on the Nook Expressway.

Off the Schneid?

Far be it for me to decide when The Shroud has been lifted and I'm back on the high, heavy horse, lolling and skipping and singing my way around sleepy Loo Town. . . but here's The Picks.

DALLAS 3.5 Giants
The Pick- NYG, 27-24. Call me Ginny, but I'm sold on Eli Manning, if only because he switched facemasks this year to the retarded kid in school helmet model that his brother made famous oh-those-years ago. Blends perfectly with the Manning mug to create confusion and disorientation amongst opposing defenses. And, as an added bonus, please tell me I'm the only one not impressed by the Cowboys pipe-laying on the Eagles last week. Speaking of pipe laying...

CHICAGO 3 Minnesota
The Pick- Vikes, 20-15. Marcus Robinson returns home with a strong-armed QB and burns Peanut Tillman for 2 scores, while new Bears PK David Hammer's leg gets him another appendage in the ". . . of God" Hall of Fame (after naming his penis The Finger of God during Pompest 2.5). I would like to say that I have utmost confindence in Mister Benson at this point in the season (if only to sabatoge zHammer's fantasy squad), but he falls down from early contact more often than King Sheridan in a game of grab-ass. A sorry day for the Bears indeed. In an unrelated note, if I were in charge of the Vikes organization, I'd get a bunch of yatchs to drop my squad off on the Lakefront just before the game started-- come in balls-out, raping and pillaging like the Norse Warriors of old. Just to get the team fully cranked-up. In another unrelated note, my brother-in-law is a huge Vikes fan and is in jail. Now where was I going with this?

DETROIT 1 Carolina
The Pick- Panthers, 31-24. Easiest game on the board. If being at home gets a squad 3 points, having Joey Harrington's shakes under center should give back 6 more. Plus, now that Sam Mills is chasing QBs in the sky, Joey gets the award for least amount of working guts on the field. In a fantasy note, Marcus Pollard will grab 2 scores for the Lions. Serious money to be made here.

Cincinnati 3 TENNESSEE
The Pick- Bengals, 34-27. I like the Titans more than most, but I can't get the idea of Chad Johnson shuffling off a Ms. Pac-Man dance after putting up a TD on the funniest pick in the '06 draft. My only hope is that Rudi Johnson cracks his skull open sometime during the first half-- thereby putting Chris Perry (and my fantasy season) in the Shittrain Fastlane towards the coveted GENT Trophy.

San Diego 2.5 OAKLAND
The Pick- Bolts, 38-34. Hey! Look! It's Norv Turner's acne scars vs. Marty Schottenheimer's crooked teeth in the Couldn't Get Laid When We Were 17 Bowl! In a totally unrelated note, David Hammer and Coach Ford will be watching this game from the safety of the GENT Bunker.

INDIANAPOLIS 13.5 St. Louis
The Pick- Ponies, 55-0. Since my 1-5 start 3 weeks ago didn't include a Colts write-up, Steve Locke has broken his Rockwell voodoo doll back out from his jerkatorium and has put in some serious time giving me the Devil Man Stares. Since all that business started, I've been dumped for a bus driver, my sister got divorced, my other sister got her car puked in, my dog got a tick, and I spent all my LA money on Coors Cutter and masturbatory rubbers. . . in other words, "Go Peyton!" (complete with retarded kid in school helmet model).

Last week: 1-5.

The Picks

Back from the North. Back from a certain darkening hell (my W'loo lustlife). Yes, yes-- this GENT is back..... with gambling picks. (Home team in caps)

MINNESOTA 3.5 New Orleans
The Pick- Saints, 30-27. Culpepper's rolling fists, Tice's pencil, and my fantasy season all hit the shitter at exactly the same time; men dressed in purple and donning Fag Hats scream and holler and cry on each other's shoulders. In a totally unrelated note, Doc Gladden and I will be watching this game from the safety of the GENT Bunker.

Carolina 3 MIAMI
The Pick- Panthers, 21-16. The Panthers are not going to the Super Bowl, but will still cover against the Fish and my #3 fantasy RB. Plus, I can hardly give away hard-stolen cash by laying it on Gus Frerotte and Gramps' favorite team. I'd rather be ditched by a woman in favor of a bus driver..... um, not that I'd know anything about that (throws up all over GENT Suit).

Cinncinatti 3 CHICAGO
The Pick- Bears, 24-23. Chad Johnson might be the coolest guy in braces since Locke strapped on the leg irons so he could win that Special Olympics 1-on-1 basketball bracket back in '99, but I'm still going with the Bears in this one. Between that cracker QB, a stellar D-line, and Mister Benson, I can't wait to spend January in Detroit for a special Super Bowl Pompfest, if only to rig the whiffle draft and give Rouse's squad Joey Harrington.

Tampa Bay 3.5 GREEN BAY
The Pick- Bucs, 30-23. The season I've been waiting for since I was 13 finally happens: the Packers go 4-12, Brett Favre decides to retire to the Mississippi pine scrub, and Mike Sherman puts the franchise on the Shittrain. Plus, the Bucs have 4 members of my Adult Film/NFL Players club, including the 2 female stars (Paris Warren and Torrie Cox-- with Jeff Gooch and Brian Greise representing the men), my only fantasy star (Cadillac), and a tailback bringing the "Earnest" with an "a" back into the League (Earnest Graham). Very excited about this squad.

PITTSBURGH 3 New England
The Pick- Steelers, 27-20. Truly a golden fall for yours, um, truly. The Pats look shaky to me-- that defense and those asshole fans will surely catch up with them over the balance of the season. Of course, they'll still end up with 9 or 10 wins, which would be enough to send half the city of Chicago drinking out into Lake Michigan while zHammer and I play naked "Ctrain" on his leather couch. By the way, have you ever seen more 3-point spreads? I'm getting David Hammer on the phone this afternoon to see what sorry excuse he has for all this dogshit. Welp, at least about the spreads, I'll see. The other dogshit here? We're pretty sure who we can chalk that stuff up to.

DENVER 3 Kansas City
The Pick- Chiefs, 37-31. I know it's a rivalry game and Denver is a tough place to play. But giving Shanahan -3 against a good Chiefs squad is kinda like giving yourself a box full of rubbers the night you have to hang out with the woman you like and her bus-driver boyfriend...... um, not that I'd know anything about that (throws up all over GENT Suit).

Don't Pollute (Anymore)

Nothing like throwing a random name into a Google Image search and coming out with something that looks like this.

Add to this fact that my Bears have signed their malcontent rookie RB, demoted the singing Cowboy Chad Hutchinson, and named a certified Iowa Schoolboy as their starting QB..... welp, things are starting to look "up", as they say.

Now, if I could just get rid of this goddamned rash before I re-hit the W'loo nightlife....

Gents Galore

And who says Gentlemen can't handle themselves in the buckwild Alaskan eve? This photo was snapped a mere 30 minutes before we tore into the Bush Company for serious hard drinking/tit-play.

Valley's Blissful Days

Fellas,
Back from a week-plus bender through the state that made my last 4 months in W'loo look like goddamned child's play. The combination of tremendous summer light, the Ann Kerian "on pipe" watch, 8/11, Madden 2006, Grandpa Kerr smoking again, and Rex Grossman's broken ankle sent me over the edge. Add in Alaskan Amber Ale, the OWI Wagon, and Wade Rouse's moustache and I'm lucky that I ever made it out of Valdez alive. Here's betting next time I'll be the one who ends up passed out with sliced cheese ground into his jeans and the shitter overflowing. Oh well. At least I got to play penis-curve shuffleboard with my good buddies one last time whilst listening to "Like a Hurricane".

So much for now. I'm heading back home to rest my loins and start a Franchise.

File Under Duress

Being up here, up North, you tend to let little bits of information-- small samples of evidence, if you will-- slip away from your memory bank and float downstream towards the ocean of oblivion. Things like the Pope dying, the 4th of July, and Rafael Palmeiro's mustache are quickly forgotten or don't even register at all.

But, then again, sometimes this life of Arctic Sounds really tunes you into the breath of the world-- lets you onto some queer rumbling before others get the buzz and start crawling about with it.

In this case, I'll take the latter. I've heard a few disturbing ruminations about the possible departure of the Lovely Ann KerIANfish from KWWL (Channel 7). Let me be frank here: Miss Ann KerIANfish is not only the best thing about W'loo, but she's pretty much the only straight, married woman who could tempt me back to that shithole when my leave comes due in 5 weeks. Tender desires of catching another 5pm dreamcast of her and that unreconstructed brute Ron Steele is not the 24-hour sunshine talking either. No, indeed not.

"GIVE US OUR GODDAMNED ANN," we shout and scream from the Hammer Bros' apartment on South 4th Street.

If those bastards in East W'loo take away our Ann, I promise to return, MacAurthur-like (sans corn cob pipe and humility), to the Cedar Valley in a drunken, slurring rampage that'll make my Summer of 01 with Locke and Gary seem like easy pickin's.

END TRANSMISSION