Walt Whitman

It's hard work finding great things on the internet.... But here is a rather 'plush' gem. The following is a Biography that a student was suppose to write in an Honors English Class....

I know some of our fellow bloggers are professors and wondered their take on this. What would you do if a student handed in something like this.

Peter Nguyen
Mr. Farlow
6-01-2000
Honors English

Biography: Walt Witman

I chose Walt Whitman for my biography report because Mr. Farlow said that if I wasn't going to take this class seriously and pick a real poet I might as well not come to class anymore. Walt Whitman was an awful child molester who was born in ancient Hong Kong. He is over 3,000 years old and remember the names of all the forgotten gods.

Walt Whitman is 90 stories tall, and his adventures are legendary. With his blue Ox, Emily Dickenson, Walt Whitman traveled across young America and helped the nation grow into the angry powerhouse it is today. He dropped his mighty axe, forming the Grand Canyon; the apple cores he would spit from his mighty mouth planted apple trees all across the country, and the stomp of his mighty boot caused the stock market to crash. He and his friend, Huck Finn, traveled down the Mississippi river and freed the slaves. Walt Whitman believed that the only good Chinaman was a dead Chinaman, so he went to Tiananmen Square and gave them all candy. Excpet instead of candy he killed them.

Walt Whitman might seem like a real cool guy but in reality he's a whiny ass pussy. His Livejournal, which he doesn't think anyone knows about is full of whiny goth poetry. His Current Mood is always "Apathetic" and his music is always some obscure punk band that no one has ever heard of. Some people who pretended to be his friend so they could get access to his "friends only" posts grabbed some of poetry and made a book from them, and called it "Ode to Faggotry." When they found out other goth kids would actually read it, they changed the name to "Leave of Grass" and it sold like gothcakes. Walt Whitman to this day doesn't know they're selling his poems and making fortunes off him. They still don't invite him to any parties though, because no one likes him.

Walt Whitman died a lonely man in Walt Disney Land. He was on the gondola ride, and fell out because he wasn't fastened properly to the restraint. Thanks to his dumb ass, now none of us can ride it anymore. Thanks a lot Walt Whitman.

(at the bottom of the essay there was a note from Mr. Farlow that read, "Peter Please See Me.")