First Round Done

Last pick of the round....so many memories. Not really. This round has been uneventful and generally full of nothing but zHammer's insatiable love of blowing me shit about poker.

Even the Rossi has been a bit of a disappointment. After the bender I've been on for the past 3 months, moving on to Rossi is kind of like going from everyday free ball-lickings from a hot roommate to random dry-humpings from a 20 year-old model. Um....not that I'd know anything about that.

No Hawkeye for the Ponies...no screaming at Mel Kiper....no pencil behind Mike Tice's ear...no way I could eat 4 monster brats....no GENTS POISON for Zach Hammer....no Coach Ford in the house....no tears from a Bears running back. Wait...what's that? You serious? Ahh shit. You've got to be fucking kidding me. He was crying?!?!?!!?

(ties noose)

I'm going out.

Colts on the Clock....

(whispers) Roth.......Roth.......Roth......Roth.....

The Ponies need a new hero.

Mid-Round Blues

My world is spinning worse than Aaron Rodgers', as I put away two big brats, but stumbled on the Kerr-esque third when it was a bit pink in the middle and I convinced myself that I was being poisoned. I am happy to report, however, that there were no veins in this sausage either, Mindy.

We've officially entered "who gives a fuck?" territory on Draft Day, when the top 10 is done, the Chiefs are picking linebackers who can't tackle, Sam Mills gets some quality face time, and Mike Tice gets ready for another boner in about 25 minutes. Hey, Mike, here's a tip from a Madden expert: PICK SOME FUCKING DEFENSE.

As for me, I'm officially greased off Rossi, I'm not wearing underwear since I can't find it from last night, and I'm jonesing for my Bears to pick up an offensive lineman or linebacker early in Round 2. I'm thinking of that badass center from Ole Miss, as any man who's had Eli's paws under his dumper more than 2x in his life deserves to be a Bear most, um, deservedly.

Sweet. Mel Kiper getting yelled at by a guy who just picked Trev Alberts in the Top 5 and who is cradling a huge glass of gin.

Mike Tice: GENIUS

I believe I called the Vikes fucking up this draft as soon as I realized they were participating in it. Bears fans absolutely LOVE Mike Tice and Mike Sherman making picks every year for our biggest rivals. This was like when Locke and I had a fantasy Madden draft in '01, and he picked Tim Dwight first. Then he converted him to a cornerback. (note: Steve always played Madden with a pencil behind his ear)

Now if we could only kill Steve Mariucci or convince Matt Millen to make the draft calls for the Lions again, we'd be in serious business.

Benson, not Quincy

The pick was met with a nonchalant silence from 3 of the biggest Bears fans around. Not really disappointment, and definitely not elation. A safe, solid pick. Tears run down his face as he dons his Bears cap. I know the feeling, Ced. But then he talks with ESPN floozie Suzy Kolber, and makes it sound like Jim Crow was conducting his pre-draft interviews. Then I hear some descriptions from the ESPN experts.

A "pounder" and a "single hole hitter"?

I'm warming up to this gent.

First Taste of Poison

The Bears are on the clock and David and I have just poured our first styro's full of Poison. Zach is pissed because the Browns took Braylon Edwards, but I couldn't be more pleased. I just can't handle another hot-dog Michigan wideout who wore #1 and who has "concentration issues".

If you were a Chargers fan, would you want to draft a strong-armed QB from Washington State? If you were a Fish fan, would you want to draft a dread-locked RB from Texas? If you were Steve, would you want to date a K-squared who has tummy cancer or is emotionally unstable? Uh huh. I thought so.

Mark me happy if the Bears do the right thing and draft Mike Williams. Also mark 100 bones from me on the Bears winning the Super Bowl. January in Detroit? BEEEEEEEEELIEVEIT!

NFL DRAFT BLOG 2005

It's the greatest day of the year, and I'm happy to report I'm spending it with the Hammer Brothers, Carlo Rossi, and a massive Flirt's induced hangover.

I missed the first pick because I was cleaning up a Gent's Poison "spill" in my kitchen; consequently, I apparently missed Alex Smith's Native American agent being interviewed. And I'm not happy. Which way do I go with this information? The "Top Pick Smith Signs For Beads and Whiskey" joke seems a bit too obvious. If I were in the draft, I'd totally have a Japanese agent. And I'd pray that the Cowboys took me. Eat that, Parcells.

I'm going back to sit on the couch with zHammer (of Television's /backslash fame).