Don't Pollute (Anymore)

Nothing like throwing a random name into a Google Image search and coming out with something that looks like this.

Add to this fact that my Bears have signed their malcontent rookie RB, demoted the singing Cowboy Chad Hutchinson, and named a certified Iowa Schoolboy as their starting QB..... welp, things are starting to look "up", as they say.

Now, if I could just get rid of this goddamned rash before I re-hit the W'loo nightlife....

Gents Galore

And who says Gentlemen can't handle themselves in the buckwild Alaskan eve? This photo was snapped a mere 30 minutes before we tore into the Bush Company for serious hard drinking/tit-play.

Valley's Blissful Days

Fellas,
Back from a week-plus bender through the state that made my last 4 months in W'loo look like goddamned child's play. The combination of tremendous summer light, the Ann Kerian "on pipe" watch, 8/11, Madden 2006, Grandpa Kerr smoking again, and Rex Grossman's broken ankle sent me over the edge. Add in Alaskan Amber Ale, the OWI Wagon, and Wade Rouse's moustache and I'm lucky that I ever made it out of Valdez alive. Here's betting next time I'll be the one who ends up passed out with sliced cheese ground into his jeans and the shitter overflowing. Oh well. At least I got to play penis-curve shuffleboard with my good buddies one last time whilst listening to "Like a Hurricane".

So much for now. I'm heading back home to rest my loins and start a Franchise.

File Under Duress

Being up here, up North, you tend to let little bits of information-- small samples of evidence, if you will-- slip away from your memory bank and float downstream towards the ocean of oblivion. Things like the Pope dying, the 4th of July, and Rafael Palmeiro's mustache are quickly forgotten or don't even register at all.

But, then again, sometimes this life of Arctic Sounds really tunes you into the breath of the world-- lets you onto some queer rumbling before others get the buzz and start crawling about with it.

In this case, I'll take the latter. I've heard a few disturbing ruminations about the possible departure of the Lovely Ann KerIANfish from KWWL (Channel 7). Let me be frank here: Miss Ann KerIANfish is not only the best thing about W'loo, but she's pretty much the only straight, married woman who could tempt me back to that shithole when my leave comes due in 5 weeks. Tender desires of catching another 5pm dreamcast of her and that unreconstructed brute Ron Steele is not the 24-hour sunshine talking either. No, indeed not.

"GIVE US OUR GODDAMNED ANN," we shout and scream from the Hammer Bros' apartment on South 4th Street.

If those bastards in East W'loo take away our Ann, I promise to return, MacAurthur-like (sans corn cob pipe and humility), to the Cedar Valley in a drunken, slurring rampage that'll make my Summer of 01 with Locke and Gary seem like easy pickin's.

END TRANSMISSION