Off the Schneid?

Far be it for me to decide when The Shroud has been lifted and I'm back on the high, heavy horse, lolling and skipping and singing my way around sleepy Loo Town. . . but here's The Picks.

DALLAS 3.5 Giants
The Pick- NYG, 27-24. Call me Ginny, but I'm sold on Eli Manning, if only because he switched facemasks this year to the retarded kid in school helmet model that his brother made famous oh-those-years ago. Blends perfectly with the Manning mug to create confusion and disorientation amongst opposing defenses. And, as an added bonus, please tell me I'm the only one not impressed by the Cowboys pipe-laying on the Eagles last week. Speaking of pipe laying...

CHICAGO 3 Minnesota
The Pick- Vikes, 20-15. Marcus Robinson returns home with a strong-armed QB and burns Peanut Tillman for 2 scores, while new Bears PK David Hammer's leg gets him another appendage in the ". . . of God" Hall of Fame (after naming his penis The Finger of God during Pompest 2.5). I would like to say that I have utmost confindence in Mister Benson at this point in the season (if only to sabatoge zHammer's fantasy squad), but he falls down from early contact more often than King Sheridan in a game of grab-ass. A sorry day for the Bears indeed. In an unrelated note, if I were in charge of the Vikes organization, I'd get a bunch of yatchs to drop my squad off on the Lakefront just before the game started-- come in balls-out, raping and pillaging like the Norse Warriors of old. Just to get the team fully cranked-up. In another unrelated note, my brother-in-law is a huge Vikes fan and is in jail. Now where was I going with this?

DETROIT 1 Carolina
The Pick- Panthers, 31-24. Easiest game on the board. If being at home gets a squad 3 points, having Joey Harrington's shakes under center should give back 6 more. Plus, now that Sam Mills is chasing QBs in the sky, Joey gets the award for least amount of working guts on the field. In a fantasy note, Marcus Pollard will grab 2 scores for the Lions. Serious money to be made here.

Cincinnati 3 TENNESSEE
The Pick- Bengals, 34-27. I like the Titans more than most, but I can't get the idea of Chad Johnson shuffling off a Ms. Pac-Man dance after putting up a TD on the funniest pick in the '06 draft. My only hope is that Rudi Johnson cracks his skull open sometime during the first half-- thereby putting Chris Perry (and my fantasy season) in the Shittrain Fastlane towards the coveted GENT Trophy.

San Diego 2.5 OAKLAND
The Pick- Bolts, 38-34. Hey! Look! It's Norv Turner's acne scars vs. Marty Schottenheimer's crooked teeth in the Couldn't Get Laid When We Were 17 Bowl! In a totally unrelated note, David Hammer and Coach Ford will be watching this game from the safety of the GENT Bunker.

INDIANAPOLIS 13.5 St. Louis
The Pick- Ponies, 55-0. Since my 1-5 start 3 weeks ago didn't include a Colts write-up, Steve Locke has broken his Rockwell voodoo doll back out from his jerkatorium and has put in some serious time giving me the Devil Man Stares. Since all that business started, I've been dumped for a bus driver, my sister got divorced, my other sister got her car puked in, my dog got a tick, and I spent all my LA money on Coors Cutter and masturbatory rubbers. . . in other words, "Go Peyton!" (complete with retarded kid in school helmet model).

Last week: 1-5.